en flicka skriver ett vykort

that will be me...postcards from sverige. oooh exciting. i finally finally finally applied for my passport yesterday. and of course the passport picture is blah. not the worst i guess but certainly not the best. i'm so stoked though to go see yoon. it really is the most random thing to meet people on the internet to whom you end up becoming super close. jon is one of them. paul in manchester is another one. julio in texas is yet another one. but with jon i feel like it's super special because we've just clicked, i think so anyway. it's weird too cause it's like one day we were just talking every once in awhile and only for a few minutes at a time, and then the next i knew we were talking all the time. it was really cool. and i couldn't even imagine not having him as a friend...he's become that much of a constant in my life. and for someone i've never met in person i feel like he's seriously one of my best friends ever. and i know that julio has said that you can only get to know someone on the internet so deep, which in one way is very true, but in another way it's almost like you get to know someone even deeper. you say things you might normally be embarrassed to say to someone's face, you let your guard down, you let them IN to the real you. jon saw me at my worst and was there through all the icky julia shit and i'm so grateful that he wasn't just like OH MY GOD YOU'RE AN IDIOT even when i made him talk to her when she, being the jack ass that she is, wanted to explain to jon that she still loved me but just couldn't be with me at this time. ugh. and me, being the jack ass that i am, allowed this disgusting conversation to go on. in retrospect, i think she only wanted to tell him that because she was jealous of him. it wasn't that she really loved me. point being that jon was there for me during that stressful period of my life...he was just as much there as my real life friends were and i love him for that.

so....i am stoked to be there in less than a month and cannot wait to just do the things we've always talked about doing together. so many times i wished we could just chill and hang out drinking wine and being silly. now we'll be able to do it. and there won't be the barrier of a computer screen in front of us. fun stuff, it is.

confusion

...and vagueness. i'm so confused. about a lot of things. it's weird how things happen in your life that you previously would never have anticipated. but that's the nature of events i suppose. i sometimes wish i had a babes in toyland-esque psychic spy to let me know what my future beholds. then i could avoid surprises, plan better, plan at all, know what's around the corner. i'm going to be 30 in a few weeks, and my life is no less confusing than it was in high school. we get older, we get smarter (one would hope), yet the increase in intelligence just serves to confuse us more, because now there's more to think about. once it was simplicity and linear thought that kept us in the dark. now it's multi-directional and robert frost-ish in a road less taken or travelled or whatever it's called sense. or something. and while this might somewhat put me in a state of despair, in another way there's some excitement about it. about the unknown, or about things or relationships or achievements that are yet to come. and regarding people, it's weird how connections can be made which seem very likely to turn into lifelong friendships. still though, i find myself confused about which choices are the right ones, which directions to go in that will facilitate my growth as a human being, better fulfill my life and my purpose, and lead not to regret but to satisfactory introspection. i just hope i can do it and someday look back on my life with the utmost pride, no matter how large or small or complex the idea, or the sum of the whole.

wish you were here

So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you trade
your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears, wish you were here.