le sigh
remember the pepe le pew cartoons? and the cat who was his love interest would try to run away from him cause he was super pretentious and smelled bad (poor guy though, it wasn't really his fault. he was a skunk for gods sake), and everytime she stopped to catch her breath she'd say 'le sigh, le pant'. yeah anyway...
so today is a weird mood kind of day. i hate how i can go from being really pretty okay to feeling full of despair and a momentary yet somehow lingering feeling of hopelessness. i think of the days where i feel okay. what's different? how am i okay then and not right this minute? i guess i know the answers. but i'd rather not know. or not think about them. i suppose the mood sort of started yesterday afternoon. passing the gas station at broad beach. and knowing i was there one day. i hope andrea couldn't tell my mood changed, as i tried to keep the happy face which is something i find myself doing from time to time. friends will ask 'cathy what's wrong, you seem sad today...' and the answer has become routine...'oh no, i'm fine (insert what i hope looks like a genuine smile here)'. it's just that i'm sick of hearing myself talk about things that aren't really worth being sad over. i'm sick of introspection, i'm sick of trying to be in someone else's head, i'm sick of them trying to get me into their head then pushing me out when it becomes too much, i'm sick of being pulled in then seemingly and carelessly being shoved away, i'm sick of being kept at an emotional arm's length away, i'm sick of distance, i'm sick of differing levels of maturity, i'm sick of time zones. i feel like they're all on the right time, and i'm 8 and 9 hours left behind.
i should go outside and walk the dog and enjoy the sun but for some reason it seems like such effort. and i have to do laundry but i ran out of quarters. laundry machines should be fucking free. we already pay an arm and a leg just to live here. the selfish greedy bastards.
le tear, le allergies, le sigh.
so today is a weird mood kind of day. i hate how i can go from being really pretty okay to feeling full of despair and a momentary yet somehow lingering feeling of hopelessness. i think of the days where i feel okay. what's different? how am i okay then and not right this minute? i guess i know the answers. but i'd rather not know. or not think about them. i suppose the mood sort of started yesterday afternoon. passing the gas station at broad beach. and knowing i was there one day. i hope andrea couldn't tell my mood changed, as i tried to keep the happy face which is something i find myself doing from time to time. friends will ask 'cathy what's wrong, you seem sad today...' and the answer has become routine...'oh no, i'm fine (insert what i hope looks like a genuine smile here)'. it's just that i'm sick of hearing myself talk about things that aren't really worth being sad over. i'm sick of introspection, i'm sick of trying to be in someone else's head, i'm sick of them trying to get me into their head then pushing me out when it becomes too much, i'm sick of being pulled in then seemingly and carelessly being shoved away, i'm sick of being kept at an emotional arm's length away, i'm sick of distance, i'm sick of differing levels of maturity, i'm sick of time zones. i feel like they're all on the right time, and i'm 8 and 9 hours left behind.
i should go outside and walk the dog and enjoy the sun but for some reason it seems like such effort. and i have to do laundry but i ran out of quarters. laundry machines should be fucking free. we already pay an arm and a leg just to live here. the selfish greedy bastards.
le tear, le allergies, le sigh.
posted by Cathy at 1:49 PM
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